LIGHTER SIDE OF ME

lightersideofme @ 2009-12-18T04:49:00

2009-12-17T20:49:29Z

Its now 04:45 in the morning, and despite the long, and positively stressful day I had at work yesterday, I'm still wide awake, while you are sleeping away. Listening to my HOT 107.9FM on my iPhone.Its the start of a bright and shining resolution. Oh it is indeed, a beautiful day. As long as you're here, I'll never fear. Those intricate nonsensicals. Happy 1 month and many, many more to come.

lightersideofme @ 2009-12-12T02:15:00

2009-12-11T17:56:50Z

I'm immensely sad. No matter what I say, no matter the truth about how I feel, nothing's being done to assuage it. Nothing. What am I then? Nothing.

Haven't been sleeping too well past couple of days. And all I do is just look up at the ceiling and just zone out. It's weirdly ironic. Because sometimes I'd just day-dream while lying there. But it's night so I shouldn't call it daydreaming really. But it's not regular dreaming-while-you-sleep dreaming. And calling it night-dreaming sounds stupid cuz the night just seems redundant. Been having a dosage of 2 hours of sleep for the past 2 weeks and I've not been eating well. I rather not live.

The problem with being a "happy" person is that no one ever sees the dark side of you. What's hidden behind the smile and what is hurting you deep down inside. Can I say that I identify with The Joker? Well, to an extent. Not to the extent of being psychotic murderous maniac but to more towards the tortured-soul-masked-behind-a-smile side of The Joker. I don't think that it's because of anything other than my inability to open up to people. I'm just not the feely emotional kinda person that will just pour out all my frustrations the moment I have a chance. I bottle and store away all my grievances and try to forget their existence.

I think a major problem that I have is that I assume that a problem if ignored for long enough will solve itself. Obviously, that's not entirely true. If left on its own, a problem will generally not bother you until one day when it decides to come back and bite you in your big fat ass.
Masking my emotions is another thing that I am proficient at except to those close to me. Those that know how to read me will know that often (though not always) when I don't react to something, it means that that issue means more to me than anything.
When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. And the not so tough walk out on you. The worse part is, you start hurting more when you pay for something that you didn't ask for. Especially when you've grown so much.

Why in the world would you want to hurt someone whom is dear to you? They might not even be around tomorrow. Nor you. Time is very precious. And we're running out of it - every day, every hour, every minute. This very second. Some things are not worth holding on to. Anger is one of them. Sometimes, the person you're angry with might not even know it. So all that effort and energy put into being angry only puts a toll on your body. For what? It's too troublesome. If you have to make a point, and it's someone you love, then Trust that there's enough Love for you to put that point across, and for them to receive it. Just be sure to do it only when the anger has subsided.

Have you let go of your Anger today?
The answer is: I don't know. Fuck off.

lightersideofme @ 2009-12-08T21:35:00

2009-12-08T13:35:18Z

Growing pains. Yes. Everyone goes through some growing pains once in a while. Not just the physical pains but the emotional ones too. I hate blogging about stuff like this. But sometimes talking helps get things off your chest.

Don't you think it's pretty weird. Emotions are created in the brain and shouldn't really affect anything else. But you do seem to have actual heart pains when you go through tough times and emotionally draining periods. I doubt there is much physiological linkage between the heart and brain in terms of feelings and stuff, but it just happens yeah?

I guess learning to deal with such events in life are all part of growing up. It doesn't mean that it doesn't suck big time to have to deal with them, but just know that you are not alone. When you think about how much your life sucks, just know that there is someone out that who has it way worse off than you do. Doesn't make the problems go away, but it sure as hell makes you feel slightly guilty for feeling so down.

I guess life's not too shabby for me. Like I told a friend, where you fall short, the Man upstairs comes in and fills up the void. Experienced first hand with my subject registration problems. It's in people that cannot make the mark that God does his most awesome work. And trust me, He's got plenty of work where I am concerned. I seem to falter every step of the way.

"Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path." (Psalms 119:105)
That has to be one of my favourite bible verses and an excellent pick-me-up in my bad times. Hope it can do the same for you.

I guess the thing that brings me down sometimes is the feeling of being alone. Partially my fault because I'm way too insular to open up fully to other people. It may sound strange to some people, but despite the smiley happy exterior is a troubled being inside. Bottling up stuff is not good for you. It festers in you and develops into a full blown infection if you're not careful.

Take two panadols and see me in the morning. Unfortunately, my headaches are that easy to get rid of. It's kind of a turbulent time with all the recent events. Arrh... Fuck it lah. I'll take two tequila shots over those panadols anyday, OR maybe Hash can give me a dosage of highly intense love shot to cure it all?

lightersideofme @ 2009-12-03T00:48:00

2009-12-02T16:48:43Z

It's been an awful semester for me. Emotionally, academically, socially, whatever I've done and not done. It's just been bad. I just feel that in the past few months, all I've been through is negative growth.

Since early in the semester, I've been in a regressive state. I've wanted so much to say what's been on my mind. But circumstance, though more often than not, excuses, have prevented me from relieving this pressure that I've been feeling for the past couple of months. We (Hakim and I) might as well be strangers. I really feel like we're living in different worlds now. It's an extremely unpleasant feeling to need someone more than they need you.

I can't seem to get myself to study either. It's like everything that I'm supposed to be learning in school is so far over my head that I automatically turn off. I think the worst part of it all is that I don't see any way out. I'm here at the verge of failing every single module I'm taking this sem and the more I look at the pile of notes in front of me, the less I feel capable of doing anything about it. It's just a downhill spiral that I don't know how to get myself out of. Furthermore, its a burden when you have to do an internship that takes up a day's timing.

But after all's said and done, I do have to remind myself that I'm a student first and foremost. It's not that I like living in regret and wallowing in self-pity, but I really feel like I'm suffering at work. Yes, this is life according to me.

Coming from Singapore, being gifted and pampered by such mindless and zealous efficiency, and here I make a reference to our traffic infrastructure. We don't see the common road-kill, the endless straights and unconventional imperial system of measurements that are ubiquitous on road signs. Roads are never as smooth as they are at home. Accommodation is such an important thing, people take it for granted. I do. When things are different, you tend to see them, especially during stark, crepuscular times. I did, and I do now. Yet things are never what they seem on the periphery, and I almost never bother to be a delver, to ferret out what's true on the inside. Thankfully, my mum didn't allowed me to drive, not unless she's in Singapore.

So newsflash, I'm attached and so much in love once more. Nothing new about that. So cheers to Hash and Elfie. Finally, I see. I pray that I hold true and keep to them, and as Shakespeare would have it, that I be as constant as the Northern Star, of whose true fixed and resting quality, there is no fellow in the firmament. I require just a chance. Let time give light to proof of my actions, no matter the judgement.

Christmas is around the corner. Oh yeah, I was never in love nor caught up in any dating scene or in a relationship status in the month of December. Let this be my first, or rather and unforgettable one. Sprinkle some Fairy dust, think happy thoughts and you can fly, you can fly, you can fly. Wish I could remain a boy just like Peter Pan.

And to Hash, I miss and love you truckloads.

lightersideofme @ 2009-11-03T23:49:00

2009-11-03T15:59:20Z

I just went through my closet after finding it being so ridiculously messy. I realised i had a lot of stuff that didn't fit me. Clothes that just wasn't just "me". Well anyway i just threw them away, reluctantly of course. I don't know why i hesitated all these while. Maybe it's cos i thought that all these while, it had no effect on me whatsoever. I guess it's been time and i bring back the old image of me. The "me" that some of my friends had come to love. Please don't laugh at this, and ultimately, "me

As much as i didn't see myself saying this, i'll miss my class. It's ironic how i'm saying this given the amount of time i spend with them outside of lesson time. But really, you guys have some of the more compelling personalities without any inflation. It's just sad that politics outdo our efforts to be one class. But i still love you guys.

Personal life? Confusing yet blissful. Love life? Forever having its ups and downs. Everyone finds it hard to give. Overtly, it's much easier to receive. It's much more propitious to get a positive on your account than the pangs of substracting if you look at it that way. That's what happens when everyone's selfish.

For those out there who needs updates from me, here goes. Currently doing my internship at Sheraton Towers Hotel. Life is pretty stagnant when it corresponds with the work I'm having. And, I got a new number @ 96494240 and an iPhone 3GS. Decided to re-live the days when my iPhone actually died on me early this year.

Anyway, i think i need to reinvent myself.

lightersideofme @ 2009-10-14T23:32:00

2009-10-14T15:42:55Z

I prayed to god and picked out a card from my enlightenment deck. I got higher mind. I guess I've learned about my body and more about my emotional self recently. Though I guess it's true. It's good to harness and understand these parts of ourselves but to be in control by them is another thing. I have to use my higher mind to steer myself and my chariot into the path I want. I have to stop believing in my image and start believing in who I am. Release all of that and carry on.

So I guess my nocturnal days are over or rather on a hiatus. Been sleeping early and waking up at 6am everyday. Internship @ Sheraton Towers is fun when you have Ain and Shyamala. Apart from that, I got a hair make over once again by Tony & Guy. This time it's some overlaped hairstyle.

And to that special someone, Happy 2nd Monthsary, which is on the 15th of the month. PS: I love you, I swear. Wish I could see you.

lightersideofme @ 2009-10-05T17:48:00

2009-10-05T09:58:53Z

Spiraling out of control in my own world, I blocked the world out. I want to stop though I don't know whether I really can. I give people a good time and make everyone happy. I connect and I inspire. I want to make everything seem like everything's beautiful. Though deep inside, I'm not. I have fun, and I put that smile on every ones face but at the end of the day when I'm alone in a daze and in thought, I'm lost and I have this splitting head and chest ache. I want to make everyone feel good so that when you fly with me, maybe I can believe I'm actually flying. It makes me happy, but I just feel like I'm simply falling. And i feel I benefited you all for not making you to have to help me out but maybe that's a bad thing? Beause I cry out for help inside at what I see now as such a silly thing. I want to talk to someone. I want to tell myself and let myself believe I'm this beautiful person. There's something inside me that doesn't want to believe that. There's this thing that wants to help the world. But simply doesn't know whether it can. There's this part of me that feels like it's dying, I feel like i'm dying but fighting to live. I feel unappreciated, although I get so much appreciation. I feel unloved, although I get and give so much love. I feel like I want to die, yet I want to live. I can't take this anymore.

I now understand why all these artist killed themselves. You escape and your sad, and people enjoy that expression. You ride on that but you fall in this big hole further and further. You lose your meaning, even though life has no meaning. You need that meaning and chance that life is actually and really that beautiful, but tell me crystal ball, that life is beautiful.

I look into this mirror and i see no one there, this same vacant stare. I don't know who I am anymore, Who is this person in the mirror? Who is he? Or technically, Who am I?

lightersideofme @ 2009-09-27T19:08:00

2009-09-27T11:12:11Z

Don't bite off more than you can chew, cos what doesn't go down comes back up.
Don't bite something bigger and stronger than you, cos when it turns around, it's gonna fuck you up.
Now that's something blissful to hear ain't it?

lightersideofme @ 2009-09-19T02:21:00

2009-09-18T18:35:28Z

Feel the beauty and the brilliance. Let myself slip and fall away into an endless river, though I am not afraid, I simply clear my mind and let peace consume me, as I drift and feel the currents take me along this winding path.

Many things are happening and have been happening in my life now, I'm transforming once again into this butterfly, I can almost see it from my waiting room of endless halls. My number is almost up. There is no point trying to swim against the current in fear. Now is the time when I let go and become who i was always meant to be. It's crazy, cause I can't believe it sometimes that my dreams can come true, that whatever anyone had told me before, they had just doubted their own selves.

I was heart broken, out of hope and drained much of life. I had no meaning. I was so lost, I was hurt, scared, I just wanted to run and run and run. now i stand with these endless possibilities, because i believed. When i was down and out, i looked up to the sky and i said, "There! I see the white light!" No matter how diminished, no matter how little hope ther may seem to be, I want to do this, and not just for myself, but for everyone, shall be your shining light in the darkness.

It's crazy to be in love with you. I wrote this to somehow hopefully inspire you all. Like how much I love you. I truly do, and really want to. Though i remember and have this image. We lay on my bed gazing at my room ceiling, and you talk about your dancing. I don't know whether it's your passion, or you'd like to continue it, but I think if I dance for you, you'd maybe somehow feel it in your body enough to feel that you want to go for your dreams too?

The world and life is amazing as long as you believe in it hard enough. it's hard, very hard at many moments, and we all cry don't we? though, there is always that little bit of hope we can see in the distance. Because I do it for you, I shall run 1000 miles and not looking back.

I just want to do it for you and that makes me whole, with you.

lightersideofme @ 2009-09-10T15:25:00

2009-09-10T07:25:32Z

School's out! So what you're waiting for? Burn the books! Finding a hotel placement for my Industrial Attachment Programme is such a whore. Thank god Sheraton Towers have condole me after countless interviews I went. I'm just away from signing on the piece of black and white document and I can enjoy my holidays peacefully. I've found love with another person lately. I've been with meet ups my friends to do some major meetup. I've been losing so much weight, once more. To sum it all up, I'm all good!

To the bunch of guys, congrats of becoming a slave to the nation. Be it the SAF, SCDF or SPF, just do your stuff and don't get into trouble. Much love, Elfie.

lightersideofme @ 2009-08-08T02:27:00

2009-08-07T18:28:38Z

Its been a week after my post-surgery of my tonsilectomy and I'm in so much pain. Guess this is art of the recovery process. Woke up today full of emotion and of course my head and throat felt like it had been repeatedly smashed in by a sledge hammer. Mum's going back home to Japan next week and my love is moving in back to my place; our place. Oh well.

lightersideofme @ 2009-07-12T03:04:00

2009-07-11T19:47:34Z

I had my wisdom teeth out, right side to be exact. The left side will be done next week. I'll be having my tonsils out too, by the end of this month. I've been sleeping throughtout the whole day. Another Saturday spent at home and I hate this. I need my Saturdays the way it used to be spent with the love of my life. I've got to endure this till my parents are back in Japan. I am back to my previous life, sleeping all day and doing absolute nothing. I have to make sure it doesn't become a habit. A bad habit that took many early mornings to get rid of.

I guess I miss my secondary school days. The wearing of the uniform and the singing of the national anthem every morning. The cheap canteen food. Running away from classes with failed attempts. The urge of going back to my primary school every teachers' day, to see my friends whom used to be of the same class as me. Last but not least, the discipline masters and the detention classes where I swore till I can't swear no more. Those were the days.

I can't say I dont like my life right now, I trully love it. I guess this is how growing up supposed to be. Sooner or later, I'll be done with my national service and maybe move out and stay with the love of life. Get married after that? Life is unpredictably unpredictable.

Back to school monday. Working at Fairmont hotel for the AYG event was awesome. Miss that place. Most importantly, I miss you. You know who you are.

lightersideofme @ 2009-07-07T22:31:00

2009-07-07T14:34:52Z

I am not a cynic; for a cynic never sees the world. I am not the naive fool either; I’ve realised that the world isn’t rainbows and cupcakes. If you are on my side of the road, then you’d be aware of the existence of treacherous thoughts, desires and betrayal. If what i write is insignificant; as Haruki Murakami blatantly stated in Sputnik Sweetheart, remove everything pointless from an imperfect life, and even it would lose it’s imperfection. Are you still immersed in an amniotic fluid of incomprehesion? Well, I am disenchanted.

I’m on the wrong side of a parallel universe. I'm living in a crash world filled with love.

lightersideofme @ 2009-06-26T22:51:00

2009-06-26T15:01:04Z

Because I don't come on here often as I'd like to, every time I decide to blog, I have to back-track quite a bit.

School's out and half to three-quarter of the class are working in conjunction for the Asian Youth Games at Swissotel and Fairmont hotel, which I'm at. Mummy dearest is back in town. Love life has been going on strong, though we had some bumby journey along the way, but all is fine.

Till we meet again.

lightersideofme @ 2009-06-15T18:36:00

2009-06-15T10:50:16Z

The lack of yusof ishaks in my wallet(so uncool right. why couldn't his name be benjamin like the american one) has forced me into taking up a job I know absolutely nothing about. Successfully lying my way into 'knowing the basics,' I now have a somewhat stable "income," whatever measley sum it is. Like everyone else I suppose, I hate having to listen to people who boss you around just because they apparently know better. I think Nik and I would make amazing anarchists. We're all "you're not the boss of me, bitch!" Damn punk rock sia. HAHA.

I don't know if my efforts are finally starting to pay off, or fate just dealt another one of those one-in-a-million good deals on me. Everything's starting to turn around for the better. I found love or rather love have found me. I'm thankful for that.
With all that's said and done/in the making, thank you, fate, God, whoever you are. I am inspired.

I love you very much. I hope you know who 'you' are.

lightersideofme @ 2009-05-11T19:41:00

2009-05-11T11:59:30Z

Have you ever noticed the man who lights up his cigarette? How the flame casts a saturated, yet flickering redness on a face full of concentration; keen on bringing life. The state of life in perpetual knowledge that death is inevitable, thus it remains only embers that crawls ever closer to a filter. Meeting soon a leveled plane in abrasion that seals its destiny, ash like dud seeds scattered by the moving wind, like dust and a filter, standing upright, being its only memory.

They said opposite attracts but you're the exact same person as me. You have the same personality, you talk shit and whatever nots, you are full of yourself (HAHA!). You're full of imperfections and that is why I trully love you. Till then, only time will come for me to meet you again. School consume me for now, will you?

lightersideofme @ 2009-04-28T23:00:00

2009-04-28T14:58:00Z

I haven't been updating recently. My greatest apology for those frequent visitors (I wonder if I actually have any). Talking about the word "frequent", I have yet to go to siglap and chill with the guys or whoever is not yet called up for national service.

School have currently taken my life away. And its 2 schools now. Dang! Talk about a day's timetable. I should stop whining. This is what I wanted and this is what I will get.

I've been going through a pretty intense regime for my upcoming rugby season. And due to this, I have to actually quit smoking or rather smoke during the weekends, but I rather quit. Plus having 2 schools to cope on, just adds the pressure on me. Social life? I don't think I'll be having any meetups or clubbing sessions in the mean time.

Is 2009 a bad year for me?

My Iphone died on me.
My school laptop crashed and my mac was giving me problems.
My bestfriend left me and 'life' gave a new meaning to me.
Relationships mishaps.
I suck it when I'm given choices to choose.

lightersideofme @ 2009-04-22T08:34:00

2009-04-22T00:49:59Z

Sorry, I was on hiatus. Anyway, handling 2 schools is kinda tiring, plus rugby to add on. Everything is back on track, I supposed. I miss Japan/Korea already.

I miss the old. The times when we used to frequent serangoon gardens, telok kurau and siglap, past midninght and head home when the sun is about to rise. But I guess you have moved on, and I told you I've moved on too. But have I?

School is starting in 2 hours time, I better get my ass off. Goodbye for now.

lightersideofme @ 2009-04-10T00:00:00

2009-04-09T15:14:46Z

Time is passing way to fast. All my bags are packed and I'm leaving on a jet plane. I don't know when I'll be back again. I hate to go but reality seems to be phasing faster then what I've expected. This will be my last post in Japan. No harsh shades of blue. But before I go, have a blessed Good Friday. Jesus saves, even in Japan.

lightersideofme @ 2009-04-02T21:09:00

2009-04-02T11:58:25Z

Seoul, Korea

Tokyo, Japan

The similar banner neon lights? Almost colourful; full of life. I went out with the boys today and Chul treated us some bibim guksu and kimchi. Sadly I'm gonna leave Seoul and back to Okinawa this weekend. And by then one more week here in Japan and I'm back to reality, which is Singapore.

Mum asked me what I've sacrificed for Good Friday - Easter. I told her I've sacrificed my handphone (which I've not been using for almost a month), cigarettes (since the age limit here is 20) and not seeing my friends in singapore for a very long time. Good enough?

I'm getting tanned. So I guess new look when school semester begins I suppossed.

lightersideofme @ 2009-04-01T21:07:00

2009-04-01T13:23:06Z

Ahn-nyong-ha-se-yo!!! I got in S.Korea yesterday. Kwan, Chul and Dong-sun picked me up from the airport and it's been a while since we last met during my last Japan trip. Its been windy and even my cap wouldn't stay put. Gonna be here for like 4 more days and then I'm back to Japan. For now, I just need to know my basic korean. Yong-o-rul hahl-jool asim-ni-ka?: Do you speak English? Jeo-nun han-kook-o-rul jo-gum-bah-ke mo-tahm-ni-da: I only speak a little Korean. and Shibal! means Fuck!

so for now ahn-nyong-hee ga-se-yo means goodbye!

lightersideofme @ 2009-03-28T21:08:00

2009-03-28T13:24:15Z

Nobody is updating news/stuffs to me in Singapore. So far I heard a bunch of concerts and one of them being coldplay. I would have been there if I could. I'm enjoying myself here in Japan with my pals and a bunch of friends I made here. Once the 2 weeks are up, I'll be back to the humid island called Singapore. Back to reality I supposed. Life is full of brutal things, you have to grit your teeth, accept it and go 'Such is life'. This is one of them.

Life is back to the same old dating fiasco. A downtown guy? I supposed I am.

lightersideofme @ 2009-03-22T21:05:00

2009-03-22T13:24:32Z

On permanant vacation. Been doing nothing but driving out and getting lost. I've been spending every single day with family and/or family friends. And I like it. I mean, everything's free. On a completely different note, I've suddenly realised I am so not a candy person. Chocolate got my vote. Just like Obama. Well not really, but if I had a choice. Which I don't, I mean I can't but if I had to.

So basically went to get my hair trimmed and asked for 1/2 an inch so I don't know how I ended up looking back and down onto quite heavily hair covered floors. Surely 1/2 an inch off all my hair, even with all it's thickness, wouldn't have been that much. But nevermind it's hair it will grow. My first haircut in Japan. HAHA

Elfie must be skinny! haha I can't believe I'm actually typing that. And I miss RUGBY!

lightersideofme @ 2009-03-19T19:08:00

2009-03-19T11:15:56Z

Pacing up and down the canned food aisle at the crowded supermarket this evening, right hand following my feet scrolling right then left then right then left again trying to find something that would wrench my 6 o'clock heart. My left just dangled giving my forearm the task of shopping basket hanger. I have this addiction. This obsession. This craving. For feeling. For emotion. That feeling that emotion that pain. The one that Hurts. That Hurt being my drug of choice and having realised, for quite a while now, that I, Elfie, captain of this amazing mind, can create circumstances that in turn would feed that addiction. Emotionally, physically. I can sustain that high.

It would help if I were a bit more attached though. If I were to use the capacity I know I have in me and started to care more about other people. I try to, but sometimes I do wrong things. I mean, I've pushed 6 year old Japanese kids running through candy aisle at that supermarket. Blame it on my beautiful temper. It was a bitchy thing to do. For some of those kids, it could very well have been their first time in a real live supermarket with real live Reese peanut butter cups and shiny golden-brown boxes Caramel corn. I mean, the candy section is pretty seductive. I have friends who candy shop regularly and still feel sugar's high going down the aisle. Did I do that on purpose? Did I secretly enjoy the post-pain of knowing I did a horrible thing?

If I built better relationships. If I had a companion who I were in actual love with. I think about my past a lot. The space hurts. They say Love Hurts. The pain is proof it's love. I use my heart for right reasons. But then again I am Broken Social Scene's Fucked up kid. The only Broken Social Scene song I've ever heard. So who am I to say I know whats right.

Contradict me. I still say I have no vice. I forgot why I just wrote this post. Might. Delete. It. I'll see.

The weather today was lovely. Goodbye winter and hello summer (for Okinawa that is). I can't wait for Tokyo!

lightersideofme @ 2009-03-17T19:15:00

2009-03-17T11:41:38Z

I'm in JAPAN! Ok it's outdated but who cares, haha. I've been driving here since dad rented a car for me. Life's been treating me good. Living in the city with a touch of traditional Japanese aura. I'm going to Tokyo and Sapporo next week with Akio, Ryo, Takeru, Jake and Manfred. Anyway I better get going and Happy Saint Patrick's Day. Till then, Sayonara!